My Journal. I’ve decided to restart my journal on this site. Not with blogger. Just me and my thoughts. Not published to the world, but just kept to me. Its really kewl for me to put this down and later on, read it again and see where I am at the time and how I got there.
Lately life has been throwing me curve balls. Nothing bad other than my relationship with Holley. Due to some problems in her life and our lives together, about a couple of months ago she felt the need to end our relationship. That we needed a break from each other until she could love me the way I needed to be loved. Her words not mine. So about a month ago, due to a phone call I got late one night, it was over. No break from each other, but definite termination. What she said hurt me worse than I had ever been hurt before. I wanted to hurt her back as bad as she had hurt me. All communication with her, as far as we both were concerned, was over. She had even broken the agreement we had in the very beginning to always be friends.
Funny how a few words can cause so much damage.
The week before Christmas, I got an email from Holley wanting me to call her. At that moment, all the hurt and anger that I had built up in me came back. I called her and unlike me, I ripped her to pieces. I told her there are only a handful of people in this world that I actually hate and that she was on the top of the list. I actually said that I hated the F@#$%^& air she breathed. She had hurt me really bad and realized that she deserved what I was doing to her. On
the way home I called and apologized to her and we agreed to just take time apart for now. Let her do what she needed to do for her for now. She said she wanted me to do what I had to do and to forget about her for now. Thats what I needed to do to forget about her and be able to see other people. I told her I had a date that night which totally upset her but she said she knew I had to do that for me.
So I started seeing Tiffany. We had been talking in email for about a month and had been out to see Mystic River a week before. We have so much in common its remarkable. She loves movies, movie trivia, lives 10 min from me. Most of all, we both have the same desire to put God first in our lives. That is what has attracted me to her so much in the beginning.
Yesterday, Holley called me.
We had a very good phone call and she told me we both needed to decide where we want to be either committed to each other or just friends but if committed to each other it would have to be different than before. I told her I wouldn’t go through that again. So on the way home I got frustrated. I vented my frustration to God and almost instantly it came to me to “test Him” so I thought about it, and thought ok I’m going to Tiff’s tonight, if they say the blessing ill know. but then realized no it has to be a test not related to the situation. So I was about to stop and get a drink on the way home
and thought if they are out of diet Dr. pepper ill know, then realized no that is leaning it one way because they always have diet Dr. pepper. I stopped to get a drink. THEY WERE OUT OF DIET DR PEPPER. I was floored. I put it out of
my mind thinking ok I didn’t really voice the test might just be a coincidence. I SAID out loud, ok God, if this is your will, I will see a corvette on the way home. Then realized that I drive by a Chevy car lot. So I said if I see a truck like mine,
then ill know. Then I got specific, I said a green truck like mine. Even more specific, if I see a green truck like mine at the starbucks on the way home. Then thought, no I’ve never seen a green f150, but maybe a green car at starbucks that will be it for sure. About this time, I met a corvette. Shortly there after I passed a truck like mine, then I got to starbucks there was a green Volvo out front and a green f150 on the side. I gave one last test. There is a huge rock on my way home that is often painted with graffiti by fraternities and sororities at Kennesaw state, but it had not changed in a while. OK if it has changed then Ill know. It had a fresh coat of Greek lettering. Every test I put up, God let me know. Everyone I said couldn’t come true did I said to myself, if the night goes well, then I’ll really know. I had a great time. Her mom is an incredible artist who does sketches of people better than even Eric did in school. So we hit it off well. Me and her son played chess and had a good time. I worked very hard to not win but for both of us to stalemate (tie) and we did. I got to show him some better moves than ones he made so we got along great too. He is big into Zoids and transformers too just like Blake.
I don’t know how to deal with receiving everything that I prayed for. Tiffany to this point is EXACTLY what I prayed for. She is smart, attractive, likes the same things I do, lives close, is big into church and seeks God. Since I’ve started
seeing her, she gave me some CD’s to listen to on relationships that were just totally awesome. I know she is a God send but now, my head tells me to listen to God but my heart is still drawn to Holley. I know God will give me the
wisdom to know what to do in this situation because I really doubt my own choices in life. I broke up with Julie and then she got married. I broke up with Kristine to date Holley then Kristine got married. I ended my relationship with Jenn to continue seeing Holley. Then Jenn moved to Missouri and has a new life. I am definately living as the CD #4 describes as “Swirl”. Not totally single focused on God, (vanilla) and not in a committed relationship (chocolate), I’m in “Swirl”.
Seeking benefits of a committed relationship without the comittment. And that isn’t what I want either.
KWHITE75 